Slight Upset to the Apple Cart

December 11, 2018

I’ve had some down time in the past couple of weeks. Laundry has fallen behind, and my household routine has pretty much gone down the drain.

There are a couple of reasons for my downturn. I had my last wedding as Caroline Price Photography, LLC. I closed down the business. There was a big sense of relief in doing so, but I also know that I am left navigating new waters in this new hobby venture and that scares me. Anything that disturbs my equilibrium is likely to send me to depression. 

Boys have been home sick– last week it was Oliver with pneumonia, this week it is Liam with strep. I’ve had a cold that started while Oliver was home and physical sickness always affects my ability to regulate my mood. So that’s the other reason I know I have had affecting my depression.

Today is actually feeling better. I drank some water this morning instead of launching immediately into my coffee. I have given my light therapy some extra time to work. I’ve done some stretches and plan to do some stair stepping to get some cardio in. 

I’m introspective as usual and have decided to start doing DBT exercises again. I want desperately to be a better mom and wife for my family. 

That’s all for today.

Hair Update Part 2

December 9, 2018

So Gail didn’t touch the front really at all but she did clean up the back quite a bit. I think it looks cute. Best of all, I just have to make it to March for another cut– it’s already scheduled. So I have that hanging over my head so that I don’t go cutting on it myself.

Hair Update

December 8, 2018

I’ve been doing home hair cuts with the clippers on the back since July. But it’s getting so long in the back that it looks way funny now. I am really past the point where I should be doing home hair cuts anymore.

I don’t really want to lose any length off any of my hair but it really needs to be cleaned up since I’ve done the home cutting thing. So, I have an appointment this afternoon.

back of hair
I am resigned to the fact that I will lose a lot of length off the back since I have been using the clippers so high. It is what it is. At least I have a kick-ass stylist.

On Closing My Photography Business

December 5, 2018

Today is the last day of my photography business. I wrapped up the last business this morning and have already begun steps to dissolve the whole thing. I stopped taking new jobs weeks ago but I had one last wedding this past weekend to shoot and those photos went out this morning.

It is with a full heart that I have closed this chapter of life. I have photographed 14 weddings in the past year and a half. I photographed one proposal, and many family sessions, several engagement sessions. It was a privilege to participate in those families’ memories. I realized that dream of being a wedding photographer. And if I truly believe what more than one bride told me about it, I was pretty good at it.

I wanted to be a professional photographer to lend legitimacy to my endeavors with my camera. It was never about the money.

What I have learned is that I have legitimacy with my camera as an amateur, taking pictures of my boys. There’s a lot that’s right about documenting my family’s journey.

There’s also a lot that’s right about accepting my own limitations and the reality is, I have tangible limits that are incompatible with an occupation that requires so many late nights and off-routine hours.

I hope to start a new series of personal projects in my fresh retirement. First up is documenting my house.


Ten Days to Serenity

November 15, 2018

Ten days ago, I decided I’d had enough of our dirty, messy house.

We rearranged two rooms. We rearranged wall hangings. For ten days, I took room by room and decluttered. I dusted. I vacuumed. I swept. I’ve kept dishes and laundry going.

Ten days ago, I was depressed. Ten days ago, I decided to do something about it.

I don’t know how to describe the mental headspace having our whole house clean and neat and straight has given me. Serenity is the closest thing I can come to a description. I feel like I can face the world. I am no longer depressed. I feel a sense of pride in my living space and belongings. I feel a sense of pride in myself.

Dining Room
I am under no illusions. I understand habits have to change. I understand that in order to maintain my serenity, I will have to work daily. I am ready to commit to that change. I’ve already kept the sweeping up for a week and a half, almost, daily. I feel ready for this change.

It is almost intoxicating, the balance this clean space brings to my brain. I am thrilled.

Must remember this on harder days.

An Ode to My Coffee

October 24, 2018

I start every day with a large cup of coffee. I don’t feel awake at all unless I’ve had it.

My coffee of choice currently is a budget indulgence but it doesn’t feel like a sacrifice. I drink McDonald’s McCafe Breakfast Blend. Good stuff. I use my pour-over Bodum system, which I’ve talked about before. I do choose to use a paper filter in addition to the system filter because I found the coffee too thick otherwise.

As I said, good stuff. I won’t be willingly without it.

On Stumbling Grace

September 27, 2018

Some things have happened in the community I love most in the world and I don’t care to rehash them here. However, I notice now that I’m in a very vulnerable mental state at this point as a result of all these things. It’s time to use this vulnerability as an opportunity.

This vulnerability happens to me occasionally like this. Sometimes it’s more depression-oriented; this time it’s really just emotional energy depletion. Each time it gets to a point where I recognize there is opportunity. I am in a good place to rebuild self-esteem and self-care techniques, as well as contribute in small ways to my community that I love.

Today, it’s time to start at home. Dishes and laundry are in order. Some small exercises and hydrating myself well is called for at this time. Hugging my babies and seeing to their needs when they get home from school is important today. Brushing the dogs will help everyone. In the heat of crisis I freeze, and I’ve been frozen for several weeks now.

All of this sounds really basic and I know that it is, but basic is precisely where I have to go when there is hurt. Extending myself and my community some stumbling grace is exactly what is needed in this moment.

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