My mental health has been on the downslide after gaining some ground, most of the past week.
I have this ex that I communicate with and it’s so frustrating to talk to him. He is unhappy with where he is in his life but he is so closed off to the suggestions I make to him. And he lies on his resume and LinkedIn.
The inability to be truthful is core to who he is, I think. It’s part of the reason we broke up. He lied to me all the time, particularly about money issues, in addition to tons of lies of omission.
But it comes back to the codependency issue, and the fact that it is not my job to save him. It feels like I should save him, and that feeling stems from early psychological abuse on his part, which preceded the physical part of the abuse that came early in college….my brain was still forming when I started feeling like I needed to save him, so that feeling is pretty innate and longer than my adulthood. But, it is not my job, not my place, not my responsibility.
Occasionally I make the decision to cut him out of my life cold-turkey. Usually this is in a down mindset. I resolve to do better.
I think I have to approach this from another way of thinking though, because it just doesn’t work….I always unblock him and say hi. I am always feeling weak mental health-wise when I unblock him. And it feeds my brain whatever chemical it is craving to maintain that contact, like some kind of drug.
In discussing this issue with a friend recently, she recalled that codependency is like addiction and when an addict cuts something out, they have to replace it with something.
I am choosing to replace the issue of contact with this ex with an investment of energy in this blog. I don’t expect readers. I don’t expect anything to come of it. But I do need a place to vent, and that’s a lot of what I end up doing with this ex anyway….just venting away and making myself feel better about where I am in life based on his place in his own life.
That is no way to live. And it for sure doesn’t affect my mental health in a positive way.
So, I am turning my energy inward and focusing on bettering myself. Turning my focus back to myself. It helps that he is proving again an inability to be truthful, which lessens my wish to help him or invest in him. But it also helps that I have things to invest in….my photography business, my boys, the house….
Today being laundry day was a for real saving grace.