Rainbow Tulip

one girl's thought pond

  • Home
  • About
  • Photography
  • Parenting
  • Home
  • Self-Care
  • Thoughts
  • Happy
  • Contact
  • Privacy

An End

January 24, 2019 Leave a Comment

Waterfall at Creek

Endings are hard.

I’ve been down because someone I once loved is going through something terrible. And as much as I want to help with their situation, I can’t. And I am pretty sure they are shouldering the whole situation alone. And because I can’t help with certain things and because they are also shutting me out, and also because it’s a SNAFU anyway that I am in contact with this person, I am having to back away from the friendship.

I know that is cryptic. It’s the best I can do for now. One day I hope to be able to put words to my feelings here in public like I can in my trusty journal. Would make for much more interesting reading for anyone that stumbles across this lonely little blog.

So I spent this morning wallowing in self-pity. I have tried to pick myself out of it this afternoon, but I can feel the depression oozing into every orifice. And it is hard to stay out of bed.

I just need to remember how wonderful my life is and appreciate it. Move on, think less. Love on my boys, love on my Jared. Sweep the floor, brush the dogs. Do instead of ruminating.

Commitment: Mindfulness

January 15, 2019 Leave a Comment

Blessed

I’ve lived in the past in my mind for more of my life than not. It has been a source of much pain and heartache.

However…

I am making a commitment today to be much more mindful of the present, in the future.

I have an incredible life. I have three healthy children and a husband who dotes on my every whim, practically. I have a beautiful home and reliable, trendy transportation.

I am blessed with the opportunity to use top-of-the-line photo gear as my gear of choice in my photo pursuits. I’ve had free range over the years to explore the lenses out there and have settled into the lens set and the cameras that I love.

We have two healthy, wonderful dogs that keep us entertained and love on us when we are sad or sick or when we just feel like cuddling or playing.

We have food in our pantry and refrigerator. We have working appliances. We have the luxury of things like good health insurance.

I have four good girlfriends who have proven they are true friends and will be there, in good times and bad.

I need to remember these things and keep them at the front of my mind daily.

I need to remember that I am not defined by my past. Every day is a fresh start to do something good with my resources at hand.

I can look forward, resting easy that the past is done.

I can be mindful.


My 2019 Word

January 9, 2019 Leave a Comment

sun in trees

Kind.

Kind is my 2019 word. I need to remember to be kinder to myself, kinder to others.

That is all.

On Being Self-Judge-y

January 5, 2019 Leave a Comment

Liam

It’s been a hard Fall and early Winter. I’ve been depressed.

I didn’t do resolutions this year. I never stick with them. I got a new purse since I’d been thinking of getting a new one since November and I went back to a paper calendar from Target, instead of using Google Calendar on my phone as I’ve done for the past year or so. That was the sum total of the changes I made for the New Year. I have been making a half-hearted attempt at using My Fitness Pal again so that I can lose some weight. But, I haven’t been exercising, so I am only doing half the work and not seeing much progress.

We had a good vacation to see Jared’s family over Christmas. The trip lifted my mood for a good ten days or so. There was so much to do that I forgot I was depressed. I gorged myself on peanut brittle and it’s a miracle that I only gained three pounds during the holiday season, as much as I ate.

The adjustment to being back home after the vacation was hard for a day or two. Thus, the shopping for a new, modest purse and a paper calendar, neither of which were absolute needs, in an effort to shop my way out of being post-vacation depressed. Thankfully, my drive to pay off our debt outweighed my desire to spend, so I didn’t spend much. Christmas presents are still scattered around the first floor and my laundry and cleaning schedules are still not back on track.

The truth is, I’ve been kind of lost. I was all about the purpose of building a photography business until sometime last Spring, when all of a sudden I definitely wasn’t. Being a part-time professional photographer gave me a sense of purpose until it definitely didn’t. It was sucking me dry.

I am honored to have done the client work that I did. Somewhere along the way, though, I realized that I’m kind of ruined for working for a boss, though, and unfortunately that includes clients. I still love photography. I still want to grow in my photography skills. However, I need to have a more personal connection to the pictures I create, as a general rule. It isn’t enough to create good work for other people.

I wore myself out trying to throw my soul into client work over the past year and a half. I don’t deal well with people having expectations of me. But I threw myself into the photography gig, as much as I was able, anyway. As such, I haven’t felt much like picking up a camera over the past few months.

The depression has been pretty bad. I slept a lot this Fall. I isolated myself. I’ve increased my light therapy time exponentially, trying to resist the need to start an antidepressant. I’ve questioned myself a lot, as to whether I was doing the right thing in closing the business, instead of just maintaining it for later in case I change my mind.

I think I am through the worst of the depression, which is why I can finally write about it.

Fall is always hard mood-wise, one way or the other.

The business is dissolved– I got final notification of the last piece of that last week– and there is a sort of relief. I am sure now that I won’t change my mind. But, I’ve been left to redefine myself all over again.

I found that by putting a price tag on my photography, it felt like it cheapened my work. I don’t just mean that I wasn’t charging enough, although there’s little question that I wasn’t meeting the market. I mean that I didn’t enjoy pricing my work at all. And, I honestly don’t think charging $2-3k for a wedding would have made it feel any more of a worthwhile endeavor, and it only would have brought on exponentially more stress to live up to the expectations of that kind of market.

I really will be happier being a hobbyist photographer and I understand now that I can continue to grow as an artist without having to earn a living to do it. And, I can still belong to the local artist guild because I am, indeed, an artist.

Best of all, I can still gift my photography skills to people when I want to do so. That makes my work feel priceless, because it is indeed not price-able.

See, I still have to go through all the bonus good stuff about closing the business because in some big ways, it still makes me feel like shit that I didn’t enjoy professional photography.

As is obvious if you visit this blog, I have taken on a 365 project. I intend to take on more personal projects as the focus for my future photo work. It took me a while to see the point in using anything other than my phone for the 365 project. But I made myself get out the real camera for it yesterday and now I can’t believe I was letting the phone camera suffice for so many days. I’ve spent so little time with a camera in my hands at home over the past few months that I’d forgotten how good it feels to just hold a camera and wander the yard, as I did in the light rain yesterday morning.

Because I am in a good mood at the moment, I can see that hobby photography and this blog and being a mom is gracious plenty focus for my life. In my darker moods, though, I beat myself up about being on disability and not being all that plus working a job outside the house. Those are the moments I feel lost and despondent. Those dark moods feed my already low self-esteem and it becomes a vicious cycle and I just want to sleep. In all honesty, I am the most judge-y person I know and I judge myself the harshest of all.

I am so thankful for Jared. He wants nothing other than for me to be happy. He doesn’t gripe when the dog hair piles up on the floor. He does laundry when I can’t drag myself out of the recliner to get it done. He loves me just as I am and doesn’t judge me and pushes me to resist judging myself. He’s held me together through this season of depression.

Now, to do my part to hold myself together. And, it’s time to pick up the camera lots more.

Ten Days to Serenity

November 15, 2018 Leave a Comment

Formal Living Room

Ten days ago, I decided I’d had enough of our dirty, messy house.

We rearranged two rooms. We rearranged wall hangings. For ten days, I took room by room and decluttered. I dusted. I vacuumed. I swept. I’ve kept dishes and laundry going.

Ten days ago, I was depressed. Ten days ago, I decided to do something about it.

Piano
I don’t know how to describe the mental headspace having our whole house clean and neat and straight has given me. Serenity is the closest thing I can come to a description. I feel like I can face the world. I am no longer depressed. I feel a sense of pride in my living space and belongings. I feel a sense of pride in myself.

Dining Room
I am under no illusions. I understand habits have to change. I understand that in order to maintain my serenity, I will have to work daily. I am ready to commit to that change. I’ve already kept the sweeping up for a week and a half, almost, daily. I feel ready for this change.

It is almost intoxicating, the balance this clean space brings to my brain. I am thrilled.

Must remember this on harder days.

  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • …
  • 5
  • Next Page »

Hey, I’m Caroline

Wife to a superhero. Mom to three supereheroes-in-training. Photog. I write sometimes, always in stream-of-consciousness. Read More…

  • Email
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter

Subscribe

Read in 2019

Goodreads

  • Book cover

    Becoming

    Michelle Obama

  • Book cover

    The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks & Win Your Inner Creative Battles

    Steven Pressfield

Tags

365 project children crochet depression dreams faith family gear health mental pets photos routine spaces trauma true love vanity work

That Time I Was a Wedding Photographer

Archives

  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • November 2018
  • October 2018
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • July 2018
  • June 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • June 2016
  • November 2015
  • August 2015
  • July 2015
  • June 2015
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • November 2014
  • October 2014
  • September 2014
  • August 2014
  • July 2014
  • June 2014

Copyright © 2019 · Caroline E. Price

This website uses cookies and other tools to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish.Accept Reject Read More
Privacy Policy